Special Silence
by M.MarvinN.Nancy
Summary: Tobias can't sleep tonight because his mind wonders to past memories. Based after Allegiant


**Please read - Important!: **

**Hi! This is my first Divergent story that is based AFTER ALLEGIANT! So if you haven't read the Divergent series or haven't yet read Allegiant, then please do not read. I don't want to spoil anything. Anyways, I had written this because I was soooooo deeply in love with the Divergent series, and the last book just took my heart and shattered it to pieces. So I put my thoughts and feelings into Tobias' character and some how formed it into a story. So yes, this story is in the eyes of Tobias**

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><p>I lay awake in my bed, hearing the soft rain against my bedroom window. The lights are off and I don't see anything but darkness. It was today, one year ago. My chest aches so badly. My hand lays over my heart as I feel it skip, due to my intense breathing. I can't get her out of my head tonight.<p>

Memories, flashbacks, everything reminds me of her. The girl..no...woman who changed me into a better man. Showed me kindness and love in ways I never thought I would ever feel in my life. The empty feeling in my heart has never left. Tears swell up but don't fall.

She's gone, and that's all I can think about. How the light in my life left and now all that exist is a zombie that just goes through everyday without thinking about it. it's crazy how I realize it's been one year. Back then I could barely go a day without seeing her. Her blonde hair and her big, bright eyes. Her image is always clear in my memory. She was reckless, she was stupid. But she did everything for everyone, and didn't care what happened to her.

Grief over takes me as the tears silently streak down my cheeks. I'm alone so it's okay to cry. It's going to be okay. I tell myself that, though I know that no one in this world can take her place. Ever. The tears come harder now, as my body shakes. I want her, I need her. My hand claws at my chest and I flail my arms. It's happening again, I'm losing myself. I bite into my pillow to try and ease the pain but flashbacks of her only come back, over and over. I gasp for air. Clutching my hand over my heart.

My future is gone, and the only piece I have of her is her brother. And I can't even stand to be near him, for his gestures and manner are too familiar to the one I lost. I can't breathe. I haul myself out of my bed, body trembling. I stand up shakily and use the walls to make my way to the kitchen.

My apartment is nearly empty, only a couch and a few chairs. I open my fridge and pull out a water bottle. Closing the fridge, I make my way to the bathroom. I open the cabinet and take out a vial that I keep on the top shelf. Pain reliever. I had told Caleb that I had fell and hurt my leg and needed something for it, but it was a lie. I needed it to take away the aching feeling in my heart. I knew Caleb had known I was lying, he knew I wouldn't get pain medicine for a stupid reason, but he gave it to me anyways. There is only about three or four sips left. I sip it once and close it. I open my water bottle and pour it over my head. It seems stupid but it helps. I sink to the floor and lean against the wall.

I don't know how long I have been sitting in my bathroom floor, nor how long the silent tears have been finding their way down my face. I don't trust myself to stand, I don't trust myself to open my mouth to drink my water. The pain in my chest has eased, but almost feels like a small, lingering ache.

Finally, I pull my body up and lean against the wall. I leave the water bottle on the floor when I exit the bathroom. My apartment is quiet, no other footsteps but mine. I find myself standing in the kitchen, lost. I imagine her living with me. Maybe even with little ones too. I bite my lip. I look down to the floor. I don't know what time it is, I honestly don't care either. I walk to the door and slip my shoes on.

The cold air hit's me in the face when I open the door. I walk down and out to the street. It's quiet, nobody is around. I look up at the sky. The moon is shining, but is covered by clouds. I exhale and see my breath. I make my way to a familiar part of the city. The fourth city, as my neighbour calls it. I don't know where I'm going but I know I have to get there. Before I know it, I look up and see something that makes my heart cry.

Memories flash back. I stare up at the ferris wheel. I put my hand on my chest. I swallow hard and make my way to it. On my way I pick a lone, yellow flower that stood off by it's own as if it had nothing else. I put it in my mouth as I climb up. I look down as I continue to climb. When I look back up I see her. Her small frame above me, making her way to where we would sit. I watch as she climbs, and I follow. Her foot slips and she gasps, and quicker than anything I move my hand up to her side to steady her. My hand stays outstretched above me. Empty. she's not here. My soul shakes inside me. The image of her is gone. She's gone.

When I get to the familiar spot I take the flower and wedge it in a crack in the metal. I stare down at it's yellow petals, bright, and beautiful. I stroke my finger over the petals. Soft. I don't have any more energy to cry. I lean my head against the cold metal and stare at the sky.

I close my eyes and think about her. Thats all I ever do. I try not to, but nothing else seems to be important anymore. She was my everything. I would give up anything for her. I would give up anything to bring her back.

A long time passes when I finally open my eyes. I see the sky has brightened slightly, from the morning sun. My hair is blown back, and wild. I haven't cut it in a while, it's not long, but not Abnegation short. I slowly press my lips to the cold metal and whisper her name. I slowly climb down to the ground and walk to the sidewalk. I turn back once and see the bright yellow flower, it's petals blowing in the breeze, as if it was waving me goodbye. I raise my hand to the ferris wheel, giving it my last goodbye, and turn.

I walk home. It's warm inside, but it barely phases me anyways. I make my way to my bedroom and I sit on my bed. I can still imagine the cool touch of the metal. I promise myself I would only visit there once a year, the same day. The day she left this earth, and left me behind.

"I never wanted to leave you."

I can imagine her saying it. I can imagine her clearly, the first person who ever treated me like I was someone who mattered.

I lay back onto my bed, and close my eyes. I don't sleep, but I just enjoy the silence while I still have it.

A knock on my front door irrupts the quietness. I open my eyes and groan softly.

"It's open!" I yell. I expected my voice to sound horrible from the aftermath of my sobbing, but it sounds surprisingly fine. The door opens, and someone steps inside. The footsteps trail and reach my door.

"Good morning, you look…." Christina's voice speaks. I look at her. She looks the same as she did when she was a Dauntless initiate.

"I know. What do you want." I spit out more harshly than I intended. She just nods.

"Zeke, Cara, and I are taking a trip today, and we want you to come." She smiles.

"A trip where?" I ask.

"Just a joy ride. It will be fun, we are borrowing a CD with lots of loud music." She sounds excited. I sit up and look at her, a look as if I had truly lost the love of my life. She just smiles bigger. I know she's trying to cheer me up, but honestly I don't think anything could.

"We'll meet outside in 5 minutes. Put some clothes on, brush that crazy hair of yours. See you then." Christina turns and walks out of my house. Then I figure out if I don't do it myself, Zeke will come up here and do it for me, like last time. Never again would I let him do that. So I pull myself up and dress myself. I don't realize I haven't touched my hair when I walk out of my apartment. It doesn't matter anyways.

When I reach them, Zeke jokes about my hair. I smile, but not a sincere smile. We get to the car and they let me drive. The windows are down, and the music blast in my ears. We do this often, it's as if we are embracing the feeling of being free. I drive fast. The others cheer behind me and sing some parts they caught onto in the song. I lean on my elbow with my head in my hand and I just stare into the sky, imagining if she sees me, sees us right now. I smile. I don't want her to see me like a mess, so I smile. She would want me to.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading :) Please leave a review and check out some other stories me and my writing partner have posted that update <strong>**every Thursday.**** -N.N**


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